Vale Decem
by Rhyno Holter
Summary: Ten's final moments are interrupted by an unexpected visitor. One-shot for Doctor Who's 50th anniversary.


**A/N: Thanks to angel0wonder for beta-ing, and my brother Chad for accidentally inspiring this fic.**

* * *

"You're going to have a great year."

It's not right, having to say goodbye to everyone before I go, but this was the most painful. Watching her – _her – _walk away was too much. I couldn't stop the tears from reaching my eyes. Those words stung, and they stung deep. This year wouldn't be _that_ bad for her, but great? Oh come off it, Doctor. You're a fool if you really believe that. Don't lead her on! Don't lie to… to_!_

But that's what I do. I'm the Doctor, after all, and the Doctor lies.

Besides, she'd forget me long before the night's over. I was probably far from her mind already. And there were still so many I haven't said goodbye to yet. But this is too much. I can't anymore. It's done. It's not fair to them, those people I'll never see again, but there's no point. The TARDIS is waiting for me.

Goodbyes should come natural to me. They've been a part of who I am for so long – for every awkward hello, there's an equally painful farewell. Sort of balances out, the state of the universe returning to its natural form.

Me, alone. That's natural.

I can't even take more than a few steps before every cell in my body roars with pain. My hearts sting, my body aches. In the cold Earthly weather, I crumple to the ground exhausted. I'd held it off for far too long. I need to return to the TARDIS so I didn't attract unwanted attention. That's the last thing the Earth needs, me falling into someone's backyard and causing a scene.

Oh, how I dreamed of a normal death. I could have collapsed in that forsaken chamber. Or better, I could have let Wilfred die. He deserved to die, he deserved to burn, _he deserv—_

No. No, that's… no. I need to go get him, beg him for forgiveness. But how can I, with my body melting in agony? What good would it do anyway?

No. I'm the one who deserves this.

Everything is a blur as I crawl to nowhere in particular. It's all… pain and misery and fire inside of me.

"We will sing to you, Doctor."

I look to my left, and there Ood Sigma stands. But is it really him? I could be imagining him. Who knows?

"The universe will sing you to your sleep."

It was just like they said before. And I could _hear_ it. It was beautiful. It was peaceful. It resonated in my soul, in my hearts. It gave me the drive to keep crawling, guiding me to peace, leading my thoughts to... everything.

Everyone.

And yet I feel so empty. Why?

I slam my fists into the ground in anguish, screaming to Heaven and Hell and whoever'll listen. Oh, God.

"This song is ending, but the story never ends."

I have to figure, why, as the song plays for me like a dirge, do I keep doing this? It's cyclical. It's offensive! So much I've done, so much I've tried to do, and for what? People die when I'm around. People suffer. "The story never ends," no. That's not fair. The story can go on without me, right? I'm just one character.

I lived an alright "life," right? I guess. All my lives were great, really. This _existence_ was alright.

No, it was more than alright. It was **brilliant. **But it was one life. A long life. I don't need to live anymore. I have to… I have to force myself to not regenerate. It's time to move on. I should just lie here, in the snow. Freezing and dead.

I deserve to die. I have to die. I _need_ to die. To hell with regeneration, to hell with everything!

"I don't know why you're thinking that. You were fantastic, mate."

That voice. It was so familiar, so warm and friendly, but things were so blurry from holding the pain in that I couldn't quite pinpoint who it belonged to.

"I-I'm sorry?"

"Is that too much? Let me try this way then: you were superb. Wonderful. Amazing…" He lowered his head, shaking it disappointedly. "No no, none of those words have quite the same ring. What do _you_ think?"

I stopped crawling when I saw his feet. Those leather boots. Those dark trousers. My eyes made their way up, taking in as much detail as I could: a leather jacket, a wristwatch, hair that was closely-cropped, a rather large nose and…

"No."

Blink.

"No no no."

He smiled that grin of his… no, that grin of _mine._

"What?" What was happening? My mind couldn't comprehend. _"What?!" _my voice went hoarse. My eyes were glued to the face of the man I used to be, and he was staring right back at me.

"I heard the song," he explained. "Granted, with these ears, what can't I hear, eh?" He snickered. "Decided to make my way here. Figured if anyone needed to see a friendly face, it was you."

He held his hand out to me, for me.

"Come on. We've been through this before."

I really didn't want to grab his hand. Who knew what it meant, or where he'd take me?

"Allons-y, right?" he said.

I couldn't help myself. I took his hand into mine, mine into his. He effortlessly helped me up, almost like he wasn't there. I shooed him away and stood there, trying to make my body move, forcing every atom in me to move. At first it was just a single step, but then another, and another, I was forcing myself to move. Together, we boarded the TARDIS, the two Doctors.

"So tell me, _Doctor_." With effort, I remove my trench coat and throw it to the side before tripping and falling again. "What's with… all this?" Through the corner of my eye I saw him gesture to all of me.

"You'll have to be more specific than that." But even as I answered him, I felt what he was referring to.

"Oh, you know. The whole… cynicism. The regret. The sorrow, the hatred, everything. It's a downward spiral from here, my friend, and there won't be another Rose to—"

"Don't say her name. Please. Just… don't." Didn't think I'd take it if he did.

"Then I won't," he shrugged half-heartedly. "But there's a time and a place for this, and the regeneration cycle isn't one of them. Trust me."

"Good, because I'm not going to regenerate," I told him.

"Now you stop that." His tone changed, his demeanor switched entirely. It was a fury that didn't come out often. It was kept away, hidden, but it always left a sting. I remember exactly what it felt like to be that furious, that enraged, as though it were yesterday. It could have been.

"I have a limit, and you're pushing it," he said calmly.

"You used to be so patient," I complained. "What's this about, then?"

"You tell me," he replied. I huffed a response.

"Okay, well I don't have to guess what you're upset about. But if you understood, if you knew—"

"I know you're being incredibly stupid."

I ignored him, trying to pick myself up off the floor. He folded his arms and started pacing around me.

"I just, really… I don't…" He searched for words, looking around the room. "I don't get it. You did so much. And you went out of your way to make sure they knew, in the end, they were loved." The corners of his mouth rose in a smile as he looked down at me. "That's not so bad, if I say so myself. I mean, you remember what _I _was like when I went, right? It was terrible, sure, but it was out of love. It was _with_ love. I grew into someone who knew love."

"Grew into new teeth, too. Don't forget that."

"Ha, yeah." His smile faded only slightly, but he was quick at regaining his composure. "That made it all worth it, didn't it?"

"What's your point?" He ceased pacing on the other side of the control panel. "I don't think you came here just to talk. Why're you doing… whatever it is you intend to do?"

"Come on. You're clever. You can figure this out. You got this. Just _think._"

I rattled my brain, and there was a lot to rattle, but I couldn't add it together. It was probably staring me right in the face, too.

"You're not thinking. At all." He took a few steps and stopped in front of me to unfold his arms. "You've held it in too long. Gotta let it go." He spread his arms as though to gesture. "Cleanse yourself."

A groan escaped my lips. "Why?"

"Because you're better than this," he told me, dropping his arms. "You deserve better. If you don't understand that, I'm afraid I can't really help. I'll still try, but…"

"The point, please." I don't bother hiding my utter frustration. The meaning eluded me, like the tune of the Ood's composition. This encounter was so very strange. Is this because of radiation, or the regeneration, or what? I don't get it.

"The point?" He dropped to one knee and smiled a reassuring grin. "To say goodbye, of course. This is your reward. This is what you deserve."

"I deserve to die."

"But do you want to?"

"What do you think?" My hand clenched, feeling like it was about to rip.

"I think you're not seeing clearly. I think you've let the radiation get to your head, among other things."

"Joke all you want, Doctor. You don't know me."

"I know you all too well."

He may be stubborn, but so am I. With a quick glance to the snow through the windows, a sigh escaped my mouth.

"I've tried, again and again over the last few years, to get myself killed. And really, so many others would have been better off had I succeeded." My eyes met his. "On the contrary, I haven't seen this clearly in a long time."

His face was stuck in shock. "You what?"

"You think this is the first time I felt this way? You think, what, this is a choice I made on a whim? I've grown old. Seen things. I know things now."

"And what about the people we save? Probably in the trillions by now. What about them? What about our companions? Our… friends? When you're gone, what'll become of them?"

"What friends? I take people, and I make them… worse. I make them just worse. S'why I had to cut them off. And it's all fine and dandy because **my** hands are technicallyclean, even though people die by my name and—!"

"Our hands haven't been clean for a long time, so whatever point you're trying to make is moot."

"Well then I deserve to die that much more, huh?" I spat at him.

"The last of the Time Lords, reduced to a whiny child. Be glad I'm the one here with you. If anyone else saw you here, what would they think?"

"I'm not the man I used to be. I'm losing touch of what matters."

"Clearly," he laughed. "You could do so much more."

"I thought I could. But not after all that. No."

A thousand years of pain and sorrow crossed his face, and for a moment I thought I'd finally crossed a line. He sighed deeply. "Why won't you get it? Why won't you understand?! You don—" He seemed to catch himself before he exploded in anger. With something of a frown, he readjusted himself. "No. You're right." His eyes had a storm in them."You _do _just keep on letting others sacrifice themselves for you while you dally about. You're no hero, you're just a little boy who thinks he's so clever but really just keeps getting lucky. You're pathetic." He crossed his arms. "How does that sound?"

Shrugged my shoulders. "V'heard worse."

He considered me for a moment, then said "You're… human." There was disappointment in his voice. "They've grown on you. Infected you."

I blinked. "And what's wrong with being a little human, eh? They're wonderful. They're so full of _life. _Can shrug off so much as though it were nothing. Are you afraid of that? Are you afraid of what humanity's capable of? They can _love, _they can love so much more than we can, and I think that's brilliant. And if I'm a little human now, it's only because of you._"_

He closed his eyes thoughtfully, holding back a smirk. "Yeah. Yeah, you're right. You don't have to tell _me_ that." His smirk turned to a frown. "But since they're so capable of love, if _that's _the part of them you remember, that you carry around with you… why did you let her go?"

A sharp intake of breath.

"Guess they didn't get you as bad as I thought," he whispered.

I shook my head slowly. "What choice did I have? Another dimension. I couldn't… it wouldn't have been right. Besides, there's someone with her now who will give her all she needs, and she'll be all that he needs. And you know what? He's _human._"

"He's you."

"He's _better _than me."

He tutted. "You didn't seem to think that at the ti—"

"Well, you know, he actually deserves her. He needs her. He's actually worthy of…!"

"She never thought that. She loved _you."_

"And why?!" I yelled at him, banging my hand on the console. "Why did she love me?! I'll never know now, huh? And I don't want to know!" I wanted it to be true, so that it wouldn't hurt anymore. But he knew me too well. He laughed, he laughed _my_ laugh, filling the air and complimenting that odd song a little too well.

"Oh, if she were here right now she'd call you out. She's done it before, she'd be more than happy to do it again. Shall I go get her?" He pointed out the door. "I'm sure if we hurry we can still make it."

"You stop that." I turned from him, crawling to the center console.

"Ohh, but we wouldn't want that, huh? She was just a number, she was just a place-holder in a long line."

From the ground, I pushed a few unseen buttons, trying to set the controls so that the TARDIS orbited the Earth. He was right, I'm human enough as it is. If I'm going to do this, I need to be away from it all. "I said stop."

"How about Martha, then? The brilliant Martha, love-struck but ignored. She was all too happy to be with you even if just to prove you wrong."

I struggled to form words. "Stop," was all I could muster.

"And Donna, oh! Poor Donna. She didn't deserve what she got. But then, do any of us?"

No more answers.

"Need I even mention the others? Jack, Mickey, Sarah Jane, Astrid, Joan Redfern… You just leave them all behind. You need them, and you make them need you."

"I know. That's the curse of the Time Lords."

"No. It's the curse of the Doctor. It's what we've become. There's a reason we're the Oncoming Storm." He frowned. "You're right. We deserve to die. We didn't live for anything. _You_ didn't live for anything."

That wasn't right, was it? "No," I choked despite the pain. _Everything _hurt_, _and slamming my hands on the console in frustration probably didn't help. "That's not what I said. You're wrong."

"Am I? Am I really?" He always wore that face he got when he felt superior. "After all of that, what makes you think so?"

I picked myself off the ground as I struggled to find the words. "What have I lived for? What did _we_ live for? I didn't live to die, I'll tell you right now. I lived to love. To explore. I lived for that, all the friends I made and the adventures that I had. Living was the best thing that had happened to me, and I'll be _damned_ if I'm gonna let someone say I lived for nothing."

"But—" he began before I cut him off.

"Doesn't mean I don't deserve to die but then, oh, the good times were worth the pain." I smirked, thinking back to all their faces.

Rose. Especially Rose.

"I love them so. And I thank whatever overlord or deity exists because for whatever reason, I was given this life and I didn't live to die, I'll tell you that **right now**!"

A passionate smile worked its way to my lips as I spoke, even if my voice couldn't quite catch up. "Yeah. Yeah, that sounds about right. Despite all its ups and downs and highs and lows and everything, I lived this life and ooh _boy _does this feel good to say." I felt like I would quite literally burst with energy.

"Well then," he said coolly. "Anything else you have to say for yourself?"

"Oh, yes! Above all, above everything else, I…"

I looked away from him. As the Ood's song concluded, I found I couldn't quite catch my breath because that was the exact moment I realized, as my body seemed to light up in flame.

"I don't want to go," I muttered.

"That's what I like to hear." His words made no sense so I looked up to see him smiling his friendly smile again. He… he played me. _The Doctor lies. _Of course. I couldn't help but smile a little at his brilliance. And then he sighed sadly. "But there always comes a time, Doctor. And I'm sorry. Just… don't forget. Always, forever." He closed his eyes as though to hide tears. "You… _we_, were absolutely fantastic."

And like smoke, he vanished. Disappeared without a trace. Was he even there to begin with? The circumstances of my every regeneration always had something weird going about them.

Doesn't matter though. I've delayed the inevitable long enough: it was starting to sear my hands, my head, my entire body. How long did I have before I turned? Before I lost who I was? I was already dead.

But I would be reborn. I would live again. And what a life, eh?

So you know what?

Fine, then.

_Fine._

_**Allons-y!**_


End file.
